I suck my stomach in when ever I weigh myself!nnIt doesn’t make me weigh less but at least I can see the numbers!

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Next time 2020 calls I’m letting it go to voicemail then chucking my phone in the ocean.


Sensei: you have learned much, my child

Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate


A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.


I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.


Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?


garbage man: hello little fella

raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please


the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame


You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.


ME AFTER 2 GLASSES OF WINE: This beautiful life is meant to be enjoyed! Let us feast and make merry!

ME AFTER 4 GLASSES OF WINE: I have 938 worst enemies and I will now name them all.