Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
I suddenly realized that I’ve never had an epiphany.
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Is snapping not cool anymore? Figures. I just mastered the Macarena last month too.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
If I ever say, “Do you want me to be honest?” Say no.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me: Give me a minute
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.