@TomHerringbone

I suddenly realized that I’ve never had an epiphany.

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@just1fool

Is snapping not cool anymore? Figures. I just mastered the Macarena last month too.

@JennSlowpez

Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: *making a snow angel*

Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor

@ThugRaccoons

Son: Thanks for the dating advice

Her: HE gave you dating advice?

Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women

Her: Name one

Me:

Her:

Me:

Her: Well?

Me: Give me a minute

@dafloydsta

[marriage counseling]

We just don’t see eye to eye

“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”

YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN

@MehrangizC

That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..

@NateMorrising

For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.