I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
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“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Not helping
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.