I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
You Might Also Like
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
My safe word is Worcestershire
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.