Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager

[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT

[reptile bar]

SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie

COBRA *blushing*: tee hee

I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!

This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob

The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.

Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.

my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out

When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”

Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.

Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?

Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?

If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand

My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.

Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk

Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche

Need tips on making something look like an accident.

I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.

Them: Describe your personality using one word.

Me: no

All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?

caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!

hamster: finally!!!

Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”

*spend 45 minutes hugging & comforting child*

Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”

Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”

doctor: we’ve had your results back

me: what’s it look like

doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on

I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.

dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river

wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter

me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did

I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.

“Can I get a umm…”

-every person ever at the drive thru

I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.

*does the robot*

*crowd goes wild*

*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*

Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.