I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.
“No, my money is in it.”
“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”
“In case I need to make a bet”
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Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Them: How corny are your jokes?
Me: Pretty corny
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
