I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
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*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
A recipe for laughter
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
Super Hand Dog Face
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”