Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.

My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.

She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.

also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies

My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.

The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her

ME: [holding my breath]

MY BREATH: This is nice.

I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.

at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra

i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery

“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…

Or watch it, even.

I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.

Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?

Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.

Black Friday at the LEGO store, people were lined up for blocks

90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms

A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.

me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work

Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”

Always this one for me forever

a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter

Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.

Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?

Quasimodo: I have a hunch.

Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?

“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”

-me, drunk, walking into a wall

My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.

Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?