I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
![]()
You Might Also Like
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.