I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
all bases covered
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
