I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?
“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”
Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours
Simple
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
That’s someone else’s problem.
-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
