I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.

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“I’m single by choice” I whisper to the pizza delivery guy as he hands me my change.


The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.


– Are you upset?





– No.


Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.


The world would be a better place if everybody drank alcohol. It would get even better if some of them choked on it.


Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥


The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.


When someone tells you to “get a Life,” just take theirs. They’ll be happy you took their advice, and you’ll be happy they’re dead.


Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins


My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.