I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
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How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
what could possibly go wrong?
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.