I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
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Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
me and who
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.