I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
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Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.
Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench