I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
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my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.
I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.