I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
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My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
I need better friends
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El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.