I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
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Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it