Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”

Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.

Where have you been all my life?

Can you go back there?

MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.

ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.

to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn

If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.

Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.

*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*

Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?

Boy: January 1?

Girl: Valentine’s Day?

Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.

i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.

If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.

My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?

Me: And this is something that’s important to you?

He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.

Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.

“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”

Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.

6: OK. But who makes the rules?

Me:

6:

Both of us: Mom.

Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control

Change is always hard….

Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.

[ad for florist]

Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?

*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*

HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”

Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.

You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more

Therapist: How does that make you feel?

Me: Like I want to stab someone.

Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.

Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.

My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud

Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”