I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
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I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.