I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
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Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Sign at work today
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I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
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first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project