I support this random dude and all his protests
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I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
dude it’s called proctologist
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
March 16
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.