I support this random dude and all his protests
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Me too, bag. Me too….
HR said no more nunchucks.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
🤣🤣🤣
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.
She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.