Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.

Canister ✅
Pail ✅
Pot ✅
Can ✅
Scuttle ✅

Just ticking off my bucket list.

i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb

If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.

Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.

Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

doctor: what’s wrong?

me: nobody can tell the time anymore

doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock

My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.

Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf

Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct

Occam’s toothbrush: show off

You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…

I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches

the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing

“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.

[Sirens]
Dude open the door!

*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!

What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?

Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.

my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her

Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.

Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet

HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?

ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’

‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’

*in Hell

Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke

[family picnic]

ME: *flipping brats on the grill*

WIFE: have you seen the kids

If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.

You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.

[first day at the cia]

me: where’s the chandelier

boss: what chandelier

me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶

boss: that’s sia

me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here

Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?

Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.

I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.