I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
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Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
dream blunt rotation
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.