Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Colleague: any children?

Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids

Wife: We’ve got 3 kids

Me: I stand by what I said

At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead

[standing outside in the rain]

*opens weather app*

Looks like rain today.

Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮

[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]

*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*

Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.

can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again

need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it

I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.

[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?

If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.

How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?

Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.

[Central Park]

Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter

Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree

When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.

[being chased by killer]

ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

How can we make people tell the truth?

“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”

This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.

Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎

Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.

Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT

If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy

I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter

ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.

It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers

Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician

“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.

Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?

Do strangers call to pay my bills?

And if they do, why don’t you let them?

[Tinder]

Dora: Swiper no swiping!

Swiper: Oh mannn…