Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?

“I’LL BE BACH.”

i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.

Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…

*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.

The hardest thing Vision has to do

Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.

I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.

Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch

I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.

Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right

Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside

We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.

*My wife being frustrated by my kids*

Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?

8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?

People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.

Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die

*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people

Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets

My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”

Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜

[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]

ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit

My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”

That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.

My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.

If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this

Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?

Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.

No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.

maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there

Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.

Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table

Cat: You aren’t my real father

Me: What?

Cat: Meow?

“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”

– Toddlers

there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter

If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.

You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?