I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
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I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.
Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.
Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.
You’re never too old to follow your dreams.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
me and my fake scenarios
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically