Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”

My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”

[the first couples argument]

Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.

Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.

Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.

Divorce:

Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street

Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.

All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.

It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk

I hate when people can’t let go of the past.

Debt collectors are the worst.

honestly this was all i could see so i drew it

Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.

I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.

Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.

HR: Get out

Chess with Australians must get so confusing.

“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”

Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.

Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.

My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”

Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face

If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.

Dear Evolution,

It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?

To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.

me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up

god: still me you didn’t click over

People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.

My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”

Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!

*pulls up at the vet’s*

Dog: hey, wait a minute…

*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.

Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.

*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.

Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.

[typing in parental control pin]

5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works

You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.

Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.

We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.

a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.

wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.

Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.

Also me: Yes, I can see that.