I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
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At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don’t have to imagine.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round