I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
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“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
termite twitter scares me
selfie game
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.