I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
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Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else