I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
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me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Scream sneezers need love too.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
“I don’t do politics.”
Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*