Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Passed by a old school Math example today.

[walking into a store on september 1st]

employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you

FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end

My astrological sign is KFC gravy

I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.

“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”

Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.

My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.

Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.

Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.

*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*

*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving

Ouija: G O B B L E

gryffindor: i only want the bravest

slytherin: i only want the most cunning

ravenclaw: i only want the smartest

hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious

Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!

I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.

ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.

CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.

ME: I will take 4 parrots.

The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.

Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.

My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.

I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!

My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.

LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed

If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.

Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it

Me: I’m not surprised

Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk

[walking into museum]

i must read each and every description, really soak up the history

*after 20 minutes*

can i sit on this or is it art?

Me: I have a toothache.

WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.

I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”

I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.

Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.