I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
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When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
What even happened today?
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Guy: what do you know about crypto
Me: that’s a DC villain, right?
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
not for long
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life