Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
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[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
fixed it
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
philosophical skeletons be like
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.