@seamussaid

I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.

@djdarrellripley

Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.

Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!

@ThisOneSayz

Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.

@Jmboyd58

Jesus take the wheel…let the clutch out easy

[car dies]

Wow, water to wine but no manual transmission

Jesus: Don’t test my mercy

@moooooog35

A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.

@vajennilogue2

May I talk to you about Jesus Christ?

– how I get out of any situation

@squirrel74wkgn

Grandpa: Music today is terrible

Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*

Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*