Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Me: God damn it.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
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Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Jesus take the wheel…let the clutch out easy
Wow, water to wine but no manual transmission
Jesus: Don’t test my mercy
*Sees dead cat on the road.
Walk it off buddy, you got 8 more.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
May I talk to you about Jesus Christ?
– how I get out of any situation
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*