@seamussaid

I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains

I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains

- @seamussaid

You Might Also Like

@TheBoydP

Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.

@mollzbenn

I made a grocery list last night when I was drunk and it just says “healthy stuff,” “looob,” and “you don’t own me.”

@iwearaonesie

“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”

– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said

@stephenjmolloy

Date: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a script editor.

Me: Are you any good?

Me: No.

@sara_ashlynn

My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.

@AdinaSunny

Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom

@ch000ch

mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.

@rachaelkelly18

The lady at the bakery who draws her eyebrows on is looking extra surprised today