I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
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repaired
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?