I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
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Camel dough
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
[On the phone]
Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
make up your mind
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.