I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
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Humans were not meant to have this many passwords
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
This meal prepping shit is easy
If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!
Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.