I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
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My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser