Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand

Tastes like chicken.

I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.

me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok

“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.

The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend

50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds

*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance

My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried

I have two arms and should easily overpower him

This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice

I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot

Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”

If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”

Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.

5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?

What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*

Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.

Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?

God: Lighten up drama queen.

I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.

How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic

Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents

me: please Bob. I’m sorry

Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up

I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.

I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.

Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.

Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname

remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???

We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.

Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.

He seems to be following some sort of pattern.

How to get a guys attention:

1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV