I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
You Might Also Like
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.