I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
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I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”