I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
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ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?
me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
can’t catch a break
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.