@LarryNow

“I sure hope Pitbull and Nicky Minaj do an album together!” – said no one ever.

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@Awesomemom10

My 9yo son just gave me a hug and told me thank you for not naming him Dick.

@jtswhipped

To the woman that told her husband to “bite my ballsack” at the store today,I golf clapped because you won life.

@KittyShittyy

If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.

@ZombieProblms

I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.

I’m not sentimental.

I’m just sick of tripping over them.

@thatUPSdude

Turns out cops get really pissed if you slip out of your handcuffs even if you say “Ta-Da” when you do.

@killerdollrik

I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”

@amydillon

Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.

@withanewname

[seaworld]

“Hey what happened to the new guy?”

-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6

“But there’s a shark in tan..”

-BINGO!