Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
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The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?