“I sure hope Pitbull and Nicky Minaj do an album together!” – said no one ever.

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My 9yo son just gave me a hug and told me thank you for not naming him Dick.


To the woman that told her husband to “bite my ballsack” at the store today,I golf clapped because you won life.


If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.


I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.

I’m not sentimental.

I’m just sick of tripping over them.


Turns out cops get really pissed if you slip out of your handcuffs even if you say “Ta-Da” when you do.


I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”


Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.



“Hey what happened to the new guy?”

-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6

“But there’s a shark in tan..”