I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
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I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
me adding lol on a serious message
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.
Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.