Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[every game of Words with Friends with me]

Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points

Me: plays POO for 6

[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”

“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints

I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point

Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.

Doctor: How your diet?

Me: My what now?

Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.

I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..

Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.

Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”

My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”

The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank

Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.

The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood

According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.

Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday

Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence

{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving

relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing

Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?

We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot

When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.

Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.

Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.

*first day as a firefighter*

I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire

*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls

[At Police Station]

“You can make one phone call”

*Dials random #

“Is your fridge running?”

I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.

Challenge accepted.

The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.

Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today

Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee

Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes