Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.

I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.

the zen of frog

HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?

Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?

HR: What?

Me: You can fix that right here, right now

Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.

Woman delivering my pizza:

I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.

Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.

Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.

#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.

🗽

COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me

Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.

Me: Oh, because of the virus?

Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.

roommate: do u have any shaving cream

me: no it tastes gross

roommate: you eat shaving crea-

me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross

as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died

I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text

My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”

“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”

*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?

who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day

Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.

GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right

my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz

Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?

Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?

ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings

Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.

What do cheeky people drink out of?

A smug.

Hear me out – fortune hotdogs

If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.

Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x