Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined

#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years

[ alone in a dark cemetery ]

me: marco

Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?

Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.

I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.

You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet

If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?

Wife:

Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want

Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.

Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.

Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.

-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.

Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]

ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*

I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao

Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.

Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.

[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?

[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

her: i’m leaving u

me: is it bc i fish for compliments

her: yes

me: or bc i’m the worst person ever

Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap

If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.

God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.

before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted

I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.

Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?

A taxi.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined

Me: no

Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked

Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!