People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
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I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn鈥檛 the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese馃槼 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I鈥檓 trying to remember your name.
Her: It鈥檚 Kelly.
Me: No that鈥檚 not it.
Friend: I don鈥檛 have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Breaking news:
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
friend: you鈥檙e pregnant! do you know what you鈥檙e having?
wife: we think it鈥檚-
me: snakes. we think it鈥檚 snakes
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i鈥檓 joking
me: hi joking i鈥檓鈥擮H NO
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos