I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
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KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…