I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
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GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Left at a local drug store…
Me buying fruit and veg
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year