Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.

Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”

Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?

OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!

AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!

WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**

Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.

Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”

Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”

*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”

ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God

If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?

Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.

Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.

Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.

*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*

ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!

Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.

orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang

Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?

[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]

Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand

House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*

Checkmate, Flat Earthers

my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it

and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me

Wife: What did I ask you to do?

Me: Love you forever?

W:

M: Kill a man to defend you honor?

W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER

I was getting there.

“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.

I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.

My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.

My 9: what language does toast speak?

French toast.

If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”

You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.

Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.

Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.

Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?