I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
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[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
cry laughing at this shit
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
☠️☠️☠️
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired