I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
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Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Bear
why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.