I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
You Might Also Like
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop