I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
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When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.