I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
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There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers