Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.

Me: wanna go cow tipping?

Other person: that sounds fun

*LATER*

Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy

the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum

Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!

Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.

Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?

Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.

My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister

*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark

-me as a tattoo artist

Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.

deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)

Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.

So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh

I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.

genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u

me: random rule but ok

genie: seriously don’t even try

me: ok i won’t

genie:

me:

genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work

I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.

No. He’s not coming out to play

Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.

Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.

Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.

I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.

I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??

I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket

GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome

GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken

necessity is the mother of invention

Don’t get angry…

…get pizza.

3 PLACES I LOVE STAYING:
1. HOME
2. OUTTA PEOPLE BUSINESS
3. IN MY OWN LANE

Don’t worry, guys. Together we can eliminate logic and reason on social media. I see some of you are already ahead of the game. Way to go

Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

A: You look for the fresh prints!

I’ll show myself out y’all

ME: Let’s go get some chicks

[later]

FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind

ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe

Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished

Me: yes, I do!

Wife: do the laundry

I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream