Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.

At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house

I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed

When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics

I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude

“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”

[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”

-cats

My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.

wife: how did the poetry slam go?

me: *taping my glasses back together * better

“Damnit!”

-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.

Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.

Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.

If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.

long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.

Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.

*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*

Sir, you wanna box for those?

“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”

welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder

I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.

When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”

Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”

Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?

This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.

THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!

tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”

as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default

a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”

Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.

Uber Driver: Same, Girl.

“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”

This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?

I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.

I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless

The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.