Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.

*tosses another water balloon from my roof

If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.

-5 asking for chips for breakfast

Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”

And he can, he can hold them all.

Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.

Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?

Me: AGAIN with the questions!!

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

*Cleans house*

*looks at family*

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”

Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok

Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”

Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish

Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.

If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.

like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula

📽️movie date🎞️

(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY

Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.

If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.

Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.

Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”

[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]

today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage

[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?

Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.

There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.

The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.

getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you

I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.

Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn’t have the guts!

Happy Halloween 🎃

Detective: Don’t leave town.

Me, thinking about gas money: Ok

i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

My resolutions are:

1) Stop making any lists.

B) Be more stable.

7) Learn to count.

I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.