I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
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Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.