[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.
Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
You Might Also Like
*jesus givs u bread*
this is my body
*jesus givs u wine*
this is my blood
*jesus puts ur hand in soggy noodles*
and these r my BRAAAINS ooOO
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
All the “men aint shit” tweets slow down around Valentine’s Day
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Kid wants to sit at table, isn’t tall enough
Me: WHERE ARE ALL THE PHONEBOOKS?!
Him: U threw them out saying, who the hell uses phone books?