I don’t chase guys unless I have my inhaler with me.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
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Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
[During an ultrasound scan]
Doctor:The baby looks fine.
Mom:See? that’s your baby sister in there!
3:What??Mom, why did you eat the baby?
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again