@tkhan74

I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”

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@BritXNic

I don’t chase guys unless I have my inhaler with me.

@AnOrangeSNES

Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song

@JustDontBugMe

[During an ultrasound scan]

Doctor:The baby looks fine.

Mom:See? that’s your baby sister in there!

3:What??Mom, why did you eat the baby?

@XplodingUnicorn

My toddler stole bacon off my plate.

We all had a good laugh.

Then I made her move out.

@MavenofHonor

*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring

@stevevsninjas

Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.

@NatasshaStash

A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo

@iwearaonesie

Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again