@tkhan74

I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”

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@WhatsAGreenhorn

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

@jonnysun

*jesus givs u bread*
this is my body
*jesus givs u wine*
this is my blood
*jesus puts ur hand in soggy noodles*
and these r my BRAAAINS ooOO

@kacisuewho

Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos

@vuhsace

All the “men aint shit” tweets slow down around Valentine’s Day

@MaraWritesStuff

“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*

@david8hughes

If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.

@KentWGraham

If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?

@BonaFideIntent

Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.

@VodkaThursday

Kid wants to sit at table, isn’t tall enough
Me: WHERE ARE ALL THE PHONEBOOKS?!
Him: U threw them out saying, who the hell uses phone books?