Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”

I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.

At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?

Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.

Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.

Boss: are you sticking to the schedule

Death: yeah of course

Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares

Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It

All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.

I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.

My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.

Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.

Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.

Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.

Now, everyone come help me find Carl.

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?

The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen

Goodnight 🐶

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.

Ha ha I’m so lonely

Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund

Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!

Why did the dragon cross the road, ….to go buy a lair freshener🌲

*During sex*

Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.

It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well

the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature

I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time

It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”

I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁

My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer

I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.

An Asian guy named Glenn?

Please

If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?