I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
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Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook
My kitchen overserved me.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
everyone has that one prude friend
