I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
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Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage
Not today, today.
Not today.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later