Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.

Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her

“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”

Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.

Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?

Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.

Me: Wow! New record.

[Restaurant]

Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after

It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER

After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.

I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.

zoologist 1: whale

zoologist 2: we used that name already

zoologist 1: shark

zoologist 2: we used that name too

zoologist 1: whale-shark

zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir

If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.

The Backseat Boys

[comes home from a day away]

Kids: Guess what we did today?!?

Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.

Kids: How’d you know?!?

Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess

Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.

And sorry about your neck hole.

I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.

If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”

Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.

Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’

Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.

I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.

*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?

If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently

Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now

mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice

waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water

10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*

On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.

Happy Halloween 🎃

I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born

Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.

My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.

I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?

I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”