Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help

Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.

I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.

No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.

Things I learnt from Avatar:

– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.

(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.

me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*

“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.

Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one

I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult

Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?

Me: Two.

4-year-old: It was nine.

Teaching her to count was a mistake.

Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.

ME: *stands by the window*

ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot

When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.

Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.

I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.

If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.

This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.

[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.

Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.

Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.

Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.

I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?

5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”

Me, “No.”

5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”

I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.

do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!

The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with

I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?

My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”

There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.