I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
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I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
just left a huge legacy in there
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.
Food for thought, isn’t it?
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.