Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.

I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.

doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day

doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall

Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.

It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it

A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.

Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.

Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.

can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point

Retweet to save a life.

#NationalGirlfriendDay

I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back

I wish it worked on everyone

My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.

So annoying when she does this every week.

Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?

My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.

my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated

me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no

Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.

IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW

sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”

Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.

If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?

Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’

Me: ‘That’s not right.’

Nav: ‘No shit.’

I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster

If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.

[breaking up yet another fight]

Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?

6-year-old: Because I always win.

And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself

Never again would she do what Simon said

‘I just need like two minutes!’

~me, lying

Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.

*Negative people trying to ruin my mood

*Me