I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
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Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
My favorite farside!!
