Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea

Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!

All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.

The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.

EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*

BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*

Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.

someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting

Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.

Me: Will it make my dinner?

D: No but-

M: Good talk.

Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.

Canadian owl: Eh?

I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door

Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.

Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.

“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch

“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.

Level of high: 7/10

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.

Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.

Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.

Me: ok

(later at home)

Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.

Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.

Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time

I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.

I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.

Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables

bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

me: why

bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline

My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house

What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?