I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
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ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
one of
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.