I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
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i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.