I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
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Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Who needs an Air Fryer?
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
i think both sides are to blame here
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.