Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.

Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago

Went on a date once.

He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”

I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”

I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!

COP: Are you drunk?

ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*walks in a perfectly straight line*

COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff

Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.

A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.

It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this

Cop: why were you speeding

Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me

Hb: is there any apple pie left?

Me: do you know me at all?

me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember

me 5 seconds later: oh no

When customers come in 6 hours before closing

Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok

My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.

therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session

I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.

I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.

Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.

Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.

Men go to bars for 2 reasons:

1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.

2) They have a wife to go home to.

Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too

scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old

me: i believe it

waiter: this plate is hot

me: yeah right *touches it*

i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot

During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”

Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.

Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.

Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…

Me: That’s all I got my man.

If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.

So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.

Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister

Jesus: the bread is my body

Judas: *cutting carbs* I see