Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.

I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.

I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.

OMFG!

I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.

Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,

I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.

COP: I need to search your car.

ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.

I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.

-The inventor of duct tape, probably

ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?

WIFE: Inverted?

ME: No, in English Sharon.

*jingles half the way*

I’m so single…..

When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.

Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.

HER: i love mythology

ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too

It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER

My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated

I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper

“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”

Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.

amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19

me: thats okay *hits accept*

amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

“How is tofu made?”

Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….

happy halloween

There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.

*arriving home as my house burns down*

Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.

Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.

[aquarium exit]

Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?

I beg your pardon?!

OPEN YOUR BAG

*opens bag and reveals two penguins*

A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.

No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.