I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.
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I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
No, YOUR illiterate.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.