I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.
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When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
This guy’s not having it 😆
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”
Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.