I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.
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The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
They ALWAYS scream at you when it’s raining like it’s your fault😂
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.
There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
