I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.
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Alexa: *deep breath*
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
I saw this ending much differently.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.